Freedom

I've been feeling a bit trapped. I'm tied to my boy pretty tightly because he needs to eat so often. And even when he's not eating, he needs to be held and burped and have his diaper changed continuously. I wish I could sleep for 9 hours straight. Or even 3. I wish I could go running or to the temple. I want to play the violin and go on a hike and visit graves with the family on Memorial Day. I want to wash the dishes, clean my house, cook, and go to the bathroom whenever I want to, with both hands. 

On my mission, my mission president, Jeff, taught us about freedom. He told a story that his cousin had to practice the piano and take piano lesson while he didn't. Jeff felt so free cause he could do whatever he wanted while his cousin was trapped at the piano. But now, years later, Jeff's cousin has the freedom to play the piano. He can play any song he wants without even needing music. He can play for church, at concerts, or just for fun. Or he can choose not to play. Jeff doesn't have those options. Even if he really wants to, Jeff is trapped when in comes to playing the piano. He talked about how living the gospel is similar. We might feel trapped by commandments, but living them makes us free in so many ways. 

I lose a lot of freedom by having Parley. But I'm also free to do some very, very special things that no one else in the world, or only Nikki, is free to do. 

No one talks about how special it is to breastfeed! My boy needs me so badly. He'll be so upset because he wants my milk so bad. I literally give him life. And it's so precious when he calms down and sucks so peaceful. We're connected in a special way. And I get to hold him and snuggle him all day and all night. It's the best thing in the whole world to snuggle this boy. It's also incredible that I have the financial freedom to not have a job right now so I can do this. And can we talk about giving him a bath? He gets so relaxed and just lays there, kicking his legs a bit with the cutest look on his face. He gets so upset when he has to get out because it's cold, but then we bundle him in his cute towel, and he's ravenously hungry again even if he just ate. I'm free to give him baths. And dress him in his cute clothes. And kiss his little face and have him hold my hand so tight. 

And all this is just for right now. I am going to be connected to Parley in a special way for eternity. No one else will ever be his mom except me. I don't even know all what that is going to entail, but I feel so blessed to be a part of it. I am so grateful to have this freedom.