Change

Desi goes back to school on Monday, and Nikki starts the Monday after that. And I don't. I don't have a school or a class or a job or anything to go to, and it's hitting me that my life is majorly changed forever. I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted, but the change is still freaking me out a little bit. My whole thing now is my family and really soon Nikki is going to get really busy. What if I'm not enough for it and do a bad job? And what if it's not enough for me and I get bored and lonely?

I think I've been stressed about it all for a long time without fully realizing I was. But today I thought a lot about it and cried and prayed and wrote in my journal and talked to Nikki. And I felt a lot of peace and hope and gratitude. This is exactly what I want to be doing, and I'm going to be just fine. 

I've been studying about Alma the Younger. He was having a terrible time and just feeling awful, and this is what the Lord said to him, 

"Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God."

I need to change and be born of God. Alma was visited by an angel and was in agony and suffered and then commuted with the Lord. What is changing me? I think our lives are always changing because we need to change. Mortality is set up for this. It's a customized curriculum. So even if this ends up being a hard transition, it's alright. That's kind of the point. 

And though I'm afraid it will be hard, I 100% know that it will be wonderful. I love Parley so much! He delights me every day, and I don't want to miss a second of watching him grow up and taking care of him. He gets in such smiley moods where he loves to play. Bath time is his favorite. He gets fascinated by books and is more aware of everything around him and easier to calm down. Yesterday, I was reading him The Pout, Pout Fish, and he was getting impatient. By the end when the grumpy fish discovers he is actually a kiss-kiss fish and goes around smooching all of his friends, Parley was crying kind of big. I turned him around and smooched him right on the lips as I read the story. He was shocked by this and stopped crying right away. He has discovered his hands and now always wants to be sucking on him. Nikki has been very supportive and told him that everyone needs a hobby. Parley has been experimenting with sleep. He has been napping in his crib better than ever before. And Wednesday night he slept 6.5 hours in a row, ate for about 10 minutes, then slept 3.5 more hours. While tonight he has woken up about every 2 hours, sometimes in a completely different position then where he fell asleep and ready to chat and hang out for a while. I just love him and know we're going to have a great time together. 

I also love Nikki so, very much. Parenting with him is so nice and fun. That's a lot of why it makes me so nervous to be doing a lot more of it on my own. But I am so excited for him and proud of him. I want to support him in any way I can with his PhD. I hope he just loves it. And I'm excited to be a lot less busy so I can support him more. I want to cook nice dinners and pack him lunch and keep our house clean and proof read his papers.

I am so grateful to be a wife and mother. My family means everything to me, and I'm so grateful that they can be my whole focus right now.